I have continued to pour over all 250,000 cables released by WikiLeaks.

For those of you that missed it, here is part of my post from yesterday revealing some shocking secrets obtained on the WikiLeaks website.

The Snark Factor has gone over all 250,000 cables for you, our faithful readers. I personally have read 140,000 cables. During that time, I consumed 3 Five Hour Energy shots, 7 pots of coffee and enough crystal meth to kill four mules.

But it was worth it. I have uncovered new information from WikiLinks about secrets that the United States government has tried to hide for decades. Prepare to be shocked.

1. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter was invented by the CIA as a mind control chemical agent to make Americans like Ryan Seacrest.
2. Meghan McCain is a FemBot built by the National Organization for Women to make real blondes “look smarter” when compaired to the dim-witted McCain.
3. President Barack Obama was briefly the lead singer of the left-wing, post-punk British rock group Scritti Politti.

24 hour later, I can now announce new WikiLeaks discoveries found exclusively by The Snark Factor. Hide the women and children!

1. James Carville is the spawn of Henry Waxman and Susan Boyle.
2. Barack Obama’s spiritual leader, Reverend Jeremiah Wright of the Trinity United Church of Christ  is Jewish.
3. Soylent Green is made from people.
4. Bill Maher is a comedian.
5. In 1968, Sonny Bono killed 3 KGB agents with nothing but a spatula and three knock-knock jokes.
6. Dick Cheney is not made of human flesh and bone, but of a substance called Keblar invented by Dow Chemical.
7. Fidel Castro wrote seven episodes of Little House on the Prairie.
8. Nancy Pelosi once played Seven Minutes in Heaven with Ted Kennedy.
9. Nancy Pelosi once vomited after playing Seven Minutes in Heaven with Ted Kennedy.
10. John McCain spent three days as the tenth member of the New York City hip hop group Wu-Tang Clan.

The Snark Factor will continue to update you on WikiLeaks leaks until I get bored.

Today was a big day for Fingersmalloy.com. I loves me some Fark.com. To my surprise and delight, they linked my “Who Said It” piece. Since then, business has been booming here at The Snark Factor.

Being linked on Fark means that one of my blogging goals has been accomplished. Now it is on to step two, writing for Infowars.

Let’s face it, The Snark Factor and Infowars are a perfect pair. I like to make up crazy shit that makes my readers scratch their heads and question my sanity–and Infowars, well anyway…

So, my quest is to make up a conspiracy theory that Infowars can’t resist.

Hmmm…

I’m sitting at Starbucks right now, so I will include those corporate bastards. And what’s a good conspiracy theory without mentioning “the Jews?”

Okay, I’ve got it! This story will shock the world. My official audition for Infowars begins… Now!

Starbucks and Israel Team up to Taint Coffee in Attempt to Steal Ron Paul’s Pot of Gold!

Indianapolis- An investigative reporter has uncovered a plot by Starbucks and Israel to taint Carmel Macchiatos with a chemical agent that will brainwash unsuspecting coffee drinkers into becoming secret agents for the State of Israel.

The chemical, known as Zionisttakeoverzene, has been slipped into over 5,000 cups of coffee in the greater St. Louis area. At first the effects of Zionisttakeoverzene are harmless. It has been known to make many people show up in public places dressed like this:

However, the long term effects of Zionisttakeoverzene are troubling. Long term exposure to the chemical gives people the urge to steal Ron Paul’s pot of gold for “the Jews.”

I contacted Ron Paul–and in my mind he had this to say about this shocking story.

Listen, we all know that the Jews and Starbucks are after me pot of gold. This is old news. I am much more concerned that they are after me Lucky Charms.

I have contacted the FDA and the Obama Administration–and shared with them all the nonexistent evidence I have uncovered. To this date, I have heard nothing back from either entity.

What are they trying to hide?

Are they part of the cover up?

Only time and my vivid imagination will tell. Until then, keep reading The Snark Factor…

Human Events, AMAC, The Daily Caller and Fox News regular Jedediah Bila joined me on a special Snark Factor. Ms. Bila worked across the street from The World Trade Center on September 11, 2001. She described what she experienced on that dreadful day.

Podcast: Download

This is a story that The Snark Factor has investigated for 15 minutes. The Snuggie(a mutant blanket) which has become popular among elderly women, was created by terrorists in an effort to bring Sharia Law to unsuspecting women in the U.S.

The Snuggie- Made for comfort or terrorist plot?

Through my contacts at the Justice Department(yes they read The Snark Factor), I was picked up by a Hezbollah operative and driven 5 hours blindfolded to their underground hideout.

The blindfold fell off about 2 minutes from their bunker. I was horrified with what I saw. Burned out buildings-no people for miles. Where are we I thought?

Hezbollah guy looked at me and said “You gotta love Detroit in the summer.”

Soon I was brought down into their bunker, where I saw several children working around fabric. Hezbollah guy(from now on he will go by the name Frank), told me that the kids work cheap. He got them from Kathy Lee Gifford’s sweat shop.

Frank led me into a room that had three portraits on the wall. One photo was an oil painting of Yasser Arafat–the second was of Osama bin Laden–the third was Ryan Seacrest.

Frank seemed pleased to tell me Hezbollah’s plan for us to voluntarily impose Sharia Law in the United States:

You Americans are so concerned about the mosque in New York, we are slipping this in right under your nose. The Snuggie was just phase one. Your women love it!

Plus a portion of the profits fund The Huffington Post.

But the Snuggie doesn’t completely cover a woman up, we needed to come up with something else.

I thought to myself–my God it is worse than I thought. Their plans include something that Snuggie fans will find irresistible.

Frank called it the Snazzy Napper. It covers the unsuspecting rube’s face.

Frank went on:

After your weak American women see the Snazzy Napper, they will not be able to resist its comfort. A woman will not leave her home without it on her face. No more putting on makeup. Just put on the Snazzy Napper and go.

After that we are half way home. America will be under Sharia Law by 2016.

The best part of the whole thing, the profits from Snazzy Napper get directly deposited into the Harry Reid for Senate campaign fund. Nobody can stop us! Nobody!!!

*Warning, this piece may be total bullshit…

Due to popular demand, I am posting my “I am going to Branson with the New Black Panther I Hate Crackers Guy” bit. Enjoy…

Podcast: Download

This week my special guest is Pamela Gorman. We talk about Ben Quayle and some guy named Moak. We also get in an in depth discussion about how much of a curse it is to be part of the “beautiful people.”

Podcast: Download

Well kids, Pamela Gorman Day was a huge success. Yesterday her campaign coffers swelled to over 1 biiilllliooon dollars. Much of that credit goes to everyone that listened to FTR Radio’s wall to wall coverage of PamelaPalooza. Thank you!

The lead up to yesterday was fun. I thought it would be funny to make up a bunch of ridiculous statements about Pamela Gorman and tweet them with the hashtag #pamelagormanfunfacts. I heart Twitter.

Well it didn’t take long for me to gravitate to some old Chuck Norris fun facts. I repackaged some of them as Pamela Gorman fun facts and included a new car smell. Others joined in on the fun. It was pretty successful.

Later I found out that CQ Politics noticed our shenanigans-and wrote about them on CQPolitics.com. Fingers Malloy on CQ Politics? All I can say is- it’s about time.

From CQ Politics:

Random can be funny. Just ask “Fingers Malloy.”

Malloy came up with a clever way to invite listeners to tune into “Pamela Gorman Day” on his online radio show, “The Snark Factor.”

He tweeted fictional and clearly silly “fun facts” about Gorman, a Republican running for the House in Arizona’s 3rd district.

Then others joined in.

Here are the contributions to #pamelagormanfunfacts that made us LOL, groan, or both:

• “Crop circles are @PamelaGorman’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.”
• “@PamelaGorman can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.”
• “@PamelaGorman knows where Carmen Sandiego is.”

My thanks go out to Katherine Rizzo and CQ Politics. To read the entire post, click here.

Today is Pamela Gorman Day.

I remember my first Pamela Gorman Day like it was yesterday. The family and I got up early to decorate the tree with Arizona flags and pistols. The traditional Pamela Gorman Day feast was out of this world.

Most of you are probably wondering what’s usually served at a Pamela Gorman Day feast. It doesn’t matter what you eat on Pamela Gorman Day, as long as at one time the main course had parents.

This year Pamela Gorman Day is significant for many Americans. You see, Pamela is running for Congress in the 3RD district of Arizona.  She is one of many people running against an inexperienced candidate that is very well funded, with a famous last name.

But Pamela is the type of candidate that conservatives can enthusiastically support. She has a strong record of fiscal responsibility and she is determined to secure our borders.

Not wanting to shortchange her constituents, Pamela resigned her seat in the Arizona State Senate to run for Congress. That my friends, shows character.

So today on FTR Radio, we are dedicating our broadcast schedule to all things Pamela Gorman. We did not make this decision casually, we believe in her.

Tune in today to learn more about this fantastic leader. If you like what you hear, check out her website and make a donation to her campaign. I know I will.

FTR Radio

Pamela Gorman 2010

My guests include Human Events and Daily Caller columnist Jedediah Bila; and the host of The Delivery, Jimmie Bise.  To wrap it up, Teri Christoph offers a preview of Smart Girl Nation.

Podcast: Download

This is probably the most painful blog post I have ever had to write. As many of you know, there has been a possible sex scandal brewing in South Carolina. Blogger Will Folks claims that he had an “inappropriate physical relationship” with Republican Gubernatorial candidate Nikki Haley.

From The Telegraph.co.uk:

Republican hopeful Nikki Haley, who became front-runner to be South Carolina governor after she was backed by Sarah Palin, has been accused of having an affair with a conservative blogger.

The mother-of-two, 38, whose husband is a United States Army reserves officer, has been hit by allegations she had a “physical” relationship with commentator Will Folks.

The controversy erupted when Mr Folks posted a statement on his website claiming that “several years ago, prior to my marriage, I had an inappropriate physical relationship with Nikki. That’s it”.

Mr Folks offered no proof and later posted links to 26 articles covering his claim, stating that he had “uncharacteristically shut his pie hole in the wake of this morning’s seismic revelations” and would maintain his silence.

Why do I bring all of this up? Because I too had an inappropriate physical relationship with Nikki Haley (I called her my Nikki-Bear).

She ended it, to start whatever she had going on with Will Folks.

I keep asking myself–why did she dump me for him? I will never forget the time she let me paint her while we were on the Titanic. Sure we were just dumb kids, but those memories will last a lifetime. At that moment, she made me feel like I was king of the world.

But after a while I knew we were on the rocks. I told Nikki that I changed the number on the back of my jeans from a size 32 waist to a 31. She freaked out. She told me that I wasn’t sponge worthy.

I tried to win her back. One time I sat outside her window all day holding a giant jam box over my head–and played the same crappy Peter Gabriel song over and over and over again.

Hours later when she finally came outside, all I could say was:

You had me at hello, you had me at hello.

Next thing I know, she’s not answering my phone calls.

I, like Will Folks–have text messages to prove what Nikki-Bear and I once had. Here’s my proof:

—— SMS ——
From: Dick Cheney
To: Fingers Malloy
Sent: May 14, 2010 09:23 AM

There. I think I have made a convincing case. The evidence is clear. I have wild stories and a text message that may or may not be completely made up. Nikki-Bear and I had something special–and she left me for that poser Will Folks.

My accusations, along with Will Folk’s story must be true. We are both bloggers. When have you ever been misled or got bad information from a blog?

Wait, why is this a scandal again?

*Warning, the preceding blog post may have no basis in fact.

H/T Robert Stacy McCain