Imagine if you will, it was the best of days–it was the worst of days. A labor union is paying a man (who we will now refer to as Lefty) to protest a right wing extremist group…or something.
Lefty and several of his comrades are riding in a sweet Greyhound bus on the way to the protest. Sure his flask is already empty, but he still has half a pack of Kool menthol cigarettes and a full can of Red Bull. Lefty is riding high on a whiskey, tobacco and sugar buzz. He feels unstoppable.
Meanwhile on the other side of town, Tabitha Hale of FreedomWorks is just wrapping up her lunch hour Bible Study group. She looks out the window and sees an old lady, struggling to cross the street. Tabitha runs outside immediately to help the old spinster. How could she not? It is her way.
Little did Tabitha know that her selfless act helping Joy Behar cross the street would cost her dearly. Did Tabitha realize that she was about to lose part of her wide eyed innocence to the hands of a union thug? How could she?
How could she?
Meanwhile Lefty has arrived at the protest location. In his head, he can only hear the song “You’re the Best” by Joe Esposito from The Karate Kid Soundtrack. You remember the fight montage from The Karate Kid.
You’re the best…around
Nothing’s ever going to keep you down
You’re the best…around
Nothing’s ever going to keep you down
Suddenly Lefty sees a filthy capitalist pig in the courtyard. It’s some dude from FreedomWorks. With the upbeat tempo of Joe Esposito pulsing through his head–and a mix of cheap liquor and nicotine in his blood, Lefty is fired up. He’s mad as hell and he’s not going to take it anymore!
A loud argument commences.
Tabitha hears shouting. She quickly slips the homeless man she was comforting a fifty dollar bill and rushes to the scene. The blogger in Tabitha makes her pull out her iPhone to videotape the confrontation.
Lefty is screaming that his Che Guevara tramp stamp tattoo inspires his comrades to fight corporate fat cats. He turns and sees Tabitha holding her iPhone, recording every word.
That iPhone…manufactured in China.
That iPhone…made by a corporation.
Angry thoughts start swirling in Lefty’s head; Halliburton, China, corporate fat cats, You’re the best around, the Koch Brothers, Wisconsin, Fox News, Rush Limbaugh, FreedomWorks, You’re the best around, Americans for Prosperity, Walmart, RedEye w/Greg Gutfeld, the Teapot Dome Scandal, The Karate Kid, Boutros Boutros-Ghali, Ryan Seacrest, Happy Meals, SUV’s, Forrest Gump, Dick Cheney and Snookie.
Lefty snaps. Let’s go to the videotape.
Mainstream media reaction over this steel cage death match was fast and furious. Katie Couric began CBS Evening News with her thoughts on Tabithagate:
Today in Washington DC, a rabid right-wing Tea Party succubus attacked an elderly labor advocate during a peaceful demonstration outside the headquarters of FreedomWorks.
FreedomWorks, the radical right-wing hate group, has been a strong ally of the racist Tea Party movement. Ms. Hale attacked the elderly gentleman with her cell phone. Then in an attempt to break his spirit, she headbutted his handmade protest sign. I didn’t attempt to reach FreedomWorks for comment.
And there was this from CNN:
Tonight on an all new Piers Morgan Show, Tea Party violence breaks out again in the streets of DC. Will the National Guard need to step in? We discuss this–and ask if Sarah Palin is an idiot with guests Arianna Huffington, Bill Maher, Kathy Griffin, Joy Behar, Rob Reiner and the ghost of Ted Kennedy.
What can we take away from this incident? I will let you decide. Tabitha left the scene unscathed. But did America? Only time will tell.
Only time will tell…*
Fingers hosts The Snark Factor Radio Program on FTR Radio. His website can be found at FingersMalloy.com. Follow Fingers on Twitter here.
*Warning, dramatization. Certain events documented here may not have happened.
Tabitha Hale joins The Snark Factor to talk GeicoGate. That’s not all! Michelle Moore, Molly Teichman, Thomas LaDuke and Melanie Hall join in on all the fun.
In all, FTR will showcase the works of over a dozen very talented writers. FTR Radio will be a one stop shop, offering a wide variety of conservative commentary on the net.
FTR starts broadcasting on Monday, April 5th. We are proud to announce that many of the shows from the old RFC station have joined the FTR family. Check our schedule at the end of this week for more details.
Many people have reached out to all of us on the FTR team to wish us good luck, and the support has been fantastic. I thank you all, it means a lot to us.
