Snarky 6- The Six Things Obama Promised Kucinich If He Votes Yes On ObamaCare

Posted on March 18th, 2010 by Fingers Malloy

As has been widely reported, Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D) Ohio switched his vote on ObamaCare after President Obama wined and dined him on an Air Force One flight to Cleveland. (For video of the evening’s events, just rent Pretty Woman)

So, The Snark Factor has learned the six things President Obama offered Kucinich to switch his vote. Warning, you will be shocked by the corruption.

1. Pledged that the Oompa Loompa Song from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory will no longer be played before Kucinich makes remarks on the House floor.

2. Offered him a one year supply of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.

3. Gave him an autographed picture of the cast from Saved By The Bell.

4. Put Jack Nicholson on speakerphone and had him say: “You can’t handle the truth” until Dennis started to giggle.

5. Pledged to keep abortion legal and funded by Obamacare through the 12th trimester.

6. After 3 hours, President Obama finally agreed to Kucinich’s request to “pull my finger.”

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Snarky 6- The Six Most Intrusive Census Survey Questions

Posted on March 17th, 2010 by Fingers Malloy

The Snarky 6 is back baby! Michele Bachmann (I love her) is not big fan of the Census. From CBS News:

Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann told the Washington Times that she and her family will not be fully filling out the 2010 census forms.

Bachmann, a Republican, said her family will only be indicating the number of people in the household, because “the Constitution doesn’t require any information beyond that.”

Bachmann believes the upcoming census to be “very intricate” and “very personal” and expresses concerns about ACORN’s involvement in the data collection. The community organizing program came under scrutiny after charges of voter registration fraud during the 2008 presidential elections.

I wanted to know what all the fuss is about, so The Snark Factor staff did some research. You be the judge if any of this is the government’s business. The following are the six most intrusive questions on the Census Bureau’s survey.

1. How many Jonas Brother’s CDs do you own?

2. Do you brake for bingo?

3. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

4. Do you like movies with gladiators? (RIP Peter Graves)

5. Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

6. Who let the dogs out?

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Snarky 6- Six Ways Pelosi Can Get ObamaCare Passed

Posted on March 11th, 2010 by Fingers Malloy

It’s now clear that the Democrats need my help. I could have had this bill passed last year. So even though I am not a socialist, here is my advice to Speaker Pelosi that if listened to, will sway enough Democrats to vote yes for this giant crap sandwich to get it passed.

Madam Speaker, listen to me and your health care dreams will come true.

* Note, keep in mind these ideas will only work because House members never read legislation that comes up for a vote.

6 possible ways to get ObamaCare passed.

1. Tell House Democrats that they are really voting on a bill to send Rush Limbaugh to Guantanamo Bay.

2. Rename the health care bill; “The Give Representatives Pay Raises and Hookers Act of 2010.”

3. Make them believe that a yes vote will include a “Massa massage” from Rep. Eric Massa.

4. A yes voter receives a party invitation with an open bar on a flight chartered by the Speaker of the House (thanks to the U.S. military.)

5. If you vote no, Chuck Norris will not be happy.

6. A yes voter will also receive an autographed Hillary Clinton pants suit.

Speaker Pelosi, you can thank me later…

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Snarky 6- Six Other Ways Rep. Eric Massa Groped Men in a “Non Gay Way”

Posted on March 10th, 2010 by Fingers Malloy

This is from The Detroit Free Press. Of the Massa/Beck interview;

Massa, who resigned hours earlier as a Democratic Congressman from New York amid allegations of sexual harassment, admitted on the conservative talking head’s program that he had groped a male staffer.

“Now they’re saying I groped a male staffer,” Massa said. “Yeah, I did. Not only did I grope him, I tickled him until he couldn’t breathe and four guys jumped on top of me. It was my 50th birthday, and it was kill the old guy.”

Everyone here at The Snark Factor feels a little gay after hearing his explanation. Truth be told, I don’t care if he’s gay, if you’re gay or if Ringo Starr is gay. But it is obvious that Massa cares what you think.

So the Snark Factor has come up with six other cover stories that Massa can use to cover up his male groping. Not that he needs any, I’m sure that everyone believed the explanation he came up with for Beck.

1. Yeah I groped them, but we were playing Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board.

2. Sure I touched em, but it was my birthday and we were playing Truth or Dare. I said “dare.” ;)

3. Yes I goosed him, but we were taking a tour of the Neverland Ranch and I got carried away.

4. Yes we may have had inappropriate contact, but we were recreating our favorite scenes from the Broadway hit “Grease.”

5. Sure I was playing grab ass, but in my defense I am a “Grab Ass Addict” (The Tiger Woods Defense.)

6. I’m Gay (or at least a little gay.)

I say use #6 Congressman, it’s okay to tell the truth…

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Snarky Six- 6 Things Charlie Rangel Will Do During His Leave Of Absence

Posted on March 3rd, 2010 by Fingers Malloy

From MSNBC.com.  Yeah, that’s right.

New York Rep. Charles Rangel temporarily stepped aside as chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee Wednesday as he struggled with mounting ethics woes that left his political future uncertain at best.

Naturally, the Snark Factor has come up with 6 things Charlie can do now that he has a little more free time on his hands.

1. Get a part-time job at H&R Block.

2. Get his own show on RFC Radio (Yes we would take him.)

3. Do a beach photo shoot for AARP Magazine.

4. Co-star with the “Pants on the Ground” guy in the new movie “Beach Blanket Bingo 2010!”

5. Get a job with MSNBC (I’m kidding, Charlie’s a moderate compared to them.)

6. Replace Jay Leno on The Tonight Show. He’s funnier…

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Snarky Six- 6 People Who Would Get Better Press Today Than Jim Bunning

Posted on March 2nd, 2010 by Fingers Malloy

As has been widely reported, Senator Jim Bunning has used Senate rules to hold up a 10 billion dollar extension of unemployment benefits. Bunning stated that this action was taken to enforce a law that mandates all spending bills passed are also to be paid for, which this bill is not.

The mainstream media has misreported this issue from the beginning. It has accused Bunning of using the filibuster (1 Senator can’t filibuster) and has under-reported the PAYGO issue.

So the Snark Factor examines how the press is treating Bunning, and determines how others would be treated by comparison in today’s mainstream media.

1. Charlie Rangel vs. Bunning- Sure Charlie is a tax cheat that also happens to be the Chairman of the House Committee on Ways and Means. But he’s a good Democrat. Oh and by the way, Bunning hates poor people.

WINNER- Rangel

2. The Octomom vs. Bunning- Yes she can be annoying. Yes she has lots of kids and she is getting government assistance until she scores a photo shoot in Swank Magazine, but she doesn’t hate the poor like Jim Bunning.

WINNER- Octy (my pet name for her)

3. Dustin Diamond vs. Bunning - Sure he can be half a cup of obnoxious. Anyone who has watched Celebrity Fit Club knows what I am talking about. But as a teenager he was Screech on the popular teen TV show Saved By the Bell. While Diamond was Screech on TV, Bunning was busy starving children.

WINNER- Diamond

4. Adolph Hitler vs. Bunning- Sure he murdered 6 million Jews and caused the destruction of much of Europe, but that was 70 years ago. Meanwhile, Jim Bunning hates you. Yes you!

WINNER- Hitler

5. Joseph Stalin vs. Bunning- Stalin was responsible for the death of millions of his own people, but we have no proof that he hated them as they died. There is concrete proof that Bunning hates the poor, especially poor children.

Winner- Stalin

6. Ronald Reagan vs. Bunning- This is a tough one. As you know from listening to the MSM, Reagan is responsible for AIDS. He also hated poor people and he was a racist. But he has been out of office for over 20 years. Meanwhile, Bunning wishes that all poor people had AIDS.

WINNER- PUSH

*Calm down, it’s satire people…

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Snarky Six. How Can Senator Harry Reid Revive His Campaign?

Posted on March 1st, 2010 by Fingers Malloy

More bad news for Harry. A new poll conducted in Nevada shows that if the election were to be held today, Harry would get his clock cleaned (unless a tea party candidate runs as an independent, hope you 3rd party people are taking notes.)

The Snark Factor feels bad for Harry, so we have advice for him to make this election a little bit closer. Here are 6 things Senator Reid can do to make this  Senate race a nail biter.

1. Invite President Obama to campaign for his opponent.

2. Invite Vice President Biden to his house on Election Day (as many of you know, the Snark Factor revealed last week that Joe Biden is Batman.)

3. Move the Octomom to Nevada and have all of her kids and cats register to vote as Democrats.

4. Use voter intimidation, by threatening to screen at every polling place a “Matt Damon Movie Marathon.”

5. Make Dustin Diamond his campaign manager.

6. Promise Reid voters that Charlie Rangel will do their taxes.

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Snarky Six. Vice President Biden’s Unknown Duties

Posted on February 26th, 2010 by Fingers Malloy

A minor stink was raised yesterday after Joe was caught being Joe. Here is C-SPAN’s coverage of the Vice President’s announcement that he doesn’t do anything. It was the only news to come out of the Health Care Summit.

To celebrate Joe being Joe, The Snark Factor will now reveal the 6 duties of the Vice President that the general public does not know. You can thank me later.

1. He secretly replaces all the White House coffee with Folgers Crystals.

2. V.P. Biden counts Michelle Obama’s reps during her arm curl workouts.

3. Joe Biden is Batman

4. The V.P. is responsible for all prank phone calls to John McCain. Senator McCain still falls for the “Prince Albert in a Can” trick.

5. He rubs Rahm Emanuel’s belly when he gets “cranky.”

6. Biden performs dramatic readings of Meghan McCain’s tweets at the State Department.

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