This post originally appeared on Parcbench.
“Ask Fingers” is a new advice column for Parcbench readers. Fingers Malloy has no experience as a relationship, financial or career counselor. In fact, we aren’t entirely sure that he has ever been married, owned stock or even gainfully employed. Fingers claims to have been a bartender in the 1990′s, which is good enough for us.
Dear Fingers: When I grow up I want to be like you, how do I make that happen?–Mark in Indianapolis
Mark that’s not an easy question for me to answer. How the hell do I know your social status? Are you a spaz? Do you get nervous around girls? Are you a nervous spaz around girls?
I want to help you, so I will assume that are a normal college kid. If you want to grow up like me, you will have to study hard in school (if you go to a community college, God help you).
So every day when you get home from school, drink up to 80 ounces of malt liquor. King Cobra was my brand. But don’t be afraid to mix in a little Olde English 800. Then you need to watch one movie over and over again…Porky’s.
Don’t let anyone talk you into watching Porky’s Two or Porky’s Three. The original Porky’s is the best of the Porky’s trilogy. Drinking gallons of malt liquor and viewing Porky’s 20 times a week made me the man that I am today. Good luck Mark.
Dear Fingers: As a Right Wing Extremist, what other accessories should I wear with my Jack Boots and BDU Pants besides my Charlie Sheen crack rock Machete?–Mike in Texas
Mike that’s not an easy question for me to answer. How the hell do I know if you can pull off a true right wing extremist look. If you are a Republican, I am assuming that you are white. The media says you are probably a racist–and being that you live in Texas I am guessing that they are right.
Have no fear Mike, we can get through this together. When in doubt, there is one right wing extremist that set the standard for us all. Buy yourself a tan jacket, a black turtleneck and Haggar slacks. Then you will truly look like the original American right wing extremist.
Dear Fingers: Who put the bop in the bop sh’bop sh’bop?–Paul in Texas
*Rick Astley is not a right wing extremist. He’s also not a Nazi, Fascist or relevant…
Submit your question for “Ask Fingers” by email (Fingers@parcbench.com).