This post originally appeared on Parcbench.

“Ask Fingers” is a new advice column for Parcbench readers. Fingers Malloy has no experience as a relationship, financial or career counselor. In fact, we aren’t entirely sure that he has ever been married, owned stock or even gainfully employed. Fingers claims to have been a bartender in the 1990′s, which is good enough for us.

Dear Fingers: When I grow up I want to be like you, how do I make that happen?–Mark in Indianapolis

Mark that’s not an easy question for me to answer. How the hell do I know your social status? Are you a spaz? Do you get nervous around girls? Are you a nervous spaz around girls?

I want to help you, so I will assume that are a normal college kid. If you want to grow up like me, you will have to study hard in school (if you go to a community college, God help you).

So every day when you get home from school, drink up to 80 ounces of malt liquor. King Cobra was my brand. But don’t be afraid to mix in a little Olde English 800. Then you need to watch one movie over and over again…Porky’s.

Don’t let anyone talk you into watching Porky’s Two or Porky’s Three. The original Porky’s is the best of the Porky’s trilogy. Drinking gallons of malt liquor and viewing Porky’s 20 times a week made me the man that I am today. Good luck Mark.

Dear Fingers: As a Right Wing Extremist, what other accessories should I wear with my Jack Boots and BDU Pants besides my Charlie Sheen crack rock Machete?–Mike in Texas

Mike that’s not an easy question for me to answer. How the hell do I know if you can pull off a true right wing extremist look. If you are a Republican, I am assuming that you are white. The media says you are probably a racist–and being that you live in Texas I am guessing that they are right.

Have no fear Mike, we can get through this together. When in doubt, there is one right wing extremist that set the standard for us all. Buy yourself a tan jacket, a black turtleneck and Haggar slacks. Then you will truly look like the original American right wing extremist.

Rick Astley-- Possible Nazi Fascist*

Dear Fingers: Who put the bop in the bop sh’bop sh’bop?–Paul in Texas

She's holding a book

*Rick Astley is not a right wing extremist. He’s also not a Nazi, Fascist or relevant…

Submit your question for “Ask Fingers” by email (Fingers@parcbench.com).

This post originally appeared on Parcbench.

“Ask Fingers” is a new advice column for Parcbench readers. Fingers Malloy has no experience as a relationship, financial or career counselor. In fact, we aren’t entirely sure that he has ever been married, owned stock or even gainfully employed. Fingers claims to have been a bartender in the 1990′s, which is good enough for us.

Dear Fingers: How can I get girls to like me?– John in New York

John, that’s not an easy question for me to answer. How in the hell do I know what you look like? For all I know, you have photos on Facebook of yourself in a Members Only jacket.  

But you asked, so I will try to not let you down. Clean yourself up. Get a sporty new haircut. Go to Walmart and buy yourself some nice smelling aftershave (women really like Brut or Jovan).

Then go find a girl. As we all know, the best place to find a long lasting romance is in a strip club. After a few couch dances, turn on your charm and ask that special lady out on a date. Act desperate. Women love desperate, needy men.

Once you score that first date with Sinnamon, pester her for a second. Don’t let up –and don’t take no for an answer. Let this video be your inspiration. Good luck John.

Dear Fingers: Do you think I should move back to Wisconsin and run against a flee-bag Democrat State Senator?–Sean in DC

Sean, that’s not an easy question for me to answer. How the hell do I know if you are qualified for such a respected position? I think some self examination is necessary on your part to figure out if you have what it takes to be a Wisconsin State Senator. Here is a quick checklist:

• Have you ever paid for sex?
• Do you drink every night to the point of unconsciousness?
• Have you ever paid for sex while drinking to the point of unconsciousness?
• Can you be bought off?
• When times get tough, do you run?

If you answer yes to all of these questions, you are well on your way to a fulfilling career in public service. Godspeed Sean.

Dear Fingers: What is Martinizing, and why does it only take an hour?–Beregond in North Carolina

Nobody knows sir…nobody knows.

Submit your question for “Ask Fingers” by email (Fingers@parcbench.com).

The last few days have been busy here at Fingersmalloy.com. I know you would not know that by looking at the content on the site, but my time has been spent preparing for CPAC 2010. I will be blogging from the Bloggers Lounge for my site, and for the kids over at Parcbench.

I will remind you again, if you can’t be at CPAC, listening to RFC Radio will be almost as good as being in DC. All the fun starts Thursday morning at www.rfcradio.com.

If you will be in DC this weekend, RFC Radio is co-sponsoring The Sixth Annual ReaganPalooza Saturday night. What is Reaganpalooza? The following is a description from the Reaganpalooza Facebook Page.

Fellow Conservatives!

Join us at THE young professional conservative event of the year – REAGANPALOOZA! – for a night of partying, cocktails, and celebration at the best CPAC after-party in DC! We’ll honor the man, the legend – President Ronald Reagan. Over 750 folks attended last year!

After SIX years and still going strong, REAGANPALOOZA started as a way for all our friends from around the country to get together and celebrate our great cause and friendships, while making new ones. JOIN US this year in celebrating the next generation of the conservative movement!

For more information, visit the Facebook event page.

So there you have it; visit Fingersmalloy.com for CPAC news and interviews from some of the best conservative minds in the country.

And if you are at CPAC and you see me, please stop and say hello. I am easy to spot in a crowd. Even better, feel free to buy me a Jack on the rocks. I will say thank you!

My interview with Sid Bridge of Parcbench.com and Theendive.com. Plus Los Tres Amigos!

Podcast: Download