Snark Factor Morning Update-Kathy Griffin Still Blows

Posted on December 9th, 2010 by Fingers Malloy

Kathy Griffin makes fun of 19 year old Bristol Palin’s weight. Let’s talk about Kathy Griffin as a teen.

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More Shocking Revelations From WikiLeaks

Posted on November 30th, 2010 by Fingers Malloy

WikiLeaks has struck again. Two days ago, the website released 250,000 US cables illegally obtained by Australian hippie hacker Julian Assange. The cables contained correspondence between U.S. diplomats that contained sensitive information.

Here are some juicy details about the WikiLeaks document dump from Yahoo News:

Allegations from the 250,000 cables include that Iran’s supreme leader has cancer and will die “within months” and that Saudi King Abdullah urged the US to attack Iran and “cut off the head of the snake” over its nuclear program.

The Snark Factor has gone over all 250,000 cables for you, our faithful readers. I personally have read 140,000 cables. During that time, I consumed 3 Five Hour Energy shots, 7 pots of coffee and enough crystal meth to kill four mules.

But it was worth it. I have uncovered new information from WikiLinks about secrets that the United States government has tried to hide for decades. Prepare to be shocked.

  1. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter was invented by the CIA as a mind control chemical agent to make Americans like Ryan Seacrest.
  2. Meghan McCain is a FemBot built by the National Organization for Women to make real blondes “look smarter” when compaired to the dim-witted McCain.
  3. President Barack Obama was briefly the lead singer of the left-wing, post-punk British rock group Scritti Politti.
  4. Joy Behar kidnapped the Lindbergh baby, dumped a fake baby body to fool police into thinking he was dead–and raised the boy as her own. She renamed the lad ”Rob Reiner.”
  5. George Soros secretly founded Halliburton Corporation with the help of Che Guevara and Don Knotts in 1957.
  6. Every bridge in the United States is secretly owned by Ross Perot and Ron Paul. Under every bridge you can find a pot of gold.
  7. Vice President Joe Biden is Snookie’s father. 
  8. Governor Sarah Palin wrote the song Who Let the Dogs Out?
  9. Kathy Griffin is a comedian.
  10. Nancy Grace can comfortably house a family of four in her nostrils.

 I will continue to read these documents until my head falls off…

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Snarky 6 – The Six Unknown Demands Of The Discovery Channel Gunman

Posted on September 1st, 2010 by Fingers Malloy

Earlier today, a heavily armed leftist nut-job by the name of James Jay Lee stormed the Discovery Channel Communications building in Maryland. He was motivated by his hatred for human population growth and babies that kill Mother Earth.

Hopped up on Al Gore lies and Sanka, he had a list of demands that he wanted met before he would release any hostages. For the entire text of his demands, click here.

The situation is now under control after police shot Lee. No word yet if he decided to not have the bullets removed–and relieve Mother Earth of the burden of his existence.

As you know, The Snark Factor is never satisfied unless we do our own research. I discovered six of Lee’s demands not reported by any other media outlet. This is the kind of  journalistic excellence that has not been seen since the Teapot Dome Scandal.

The Lee 6–in his own words.

1- Bring back Crystal Pepsi. I loved drinking it with slow gin.

2- I want an autographed picture of Menudo. The original lineup, NO TRICKS!

3- I want a Toyota Prius filled with the following items; 6 copies of An Inconvenient Truth, Keith Olbermann’s hair brush and a ball cap that was worn by Michael Moore.

4- I want my own show on MSNBC. In fact, give me Ed Schultz’s time slot. I also want his bucket of crazy.

5- I specifically want the 15 minutes of fame owned by D.C Douglas, minus the vinegar scent.

6- I want a beer summit with President Obama at the White House. The guest list will include Kathy Griffin, Dustin Diamond, the ghost of Gary Coleman, Carrot Top, Linda Lavin, John Cusack, Joan Cusack and Snookie.

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My Faux Interview With Oliver Stone

Posted on July 27th, 2010 by Fingers Malloy

Oliver Stone stirred up controversy with comments he made about Adolf Hitler and the Jews. If you want some background on what he said, click on this link to an article in The Daily Mail.

I wanted to get to the bottom of some of his hateful, anti-Semitic rhetoric. So I set up a fake interview with Mr. Stone. His schedule was wide open for The Snark Factor, mostly because the interview never took place. But if it did, I imagine it would go something like this.

Fingers Malloy- Mr. Stone, thank you for joining me.

Oliver Stone- No problem, unless you are a filthy Jew. If that’s the case you need to go dominate the media somewhere else.

FM- Wow, again with the Jews Mr. Stone?  You really believe they run the…

OS- (Interrupts) I want to clear the air on my comments about the Jews running the media. Of course I was exaggerating. Not all Jews run the media. Just one. His name is Sal Schwartz. He drinks a lot of coffee and has a cocaine problem, but he monitors all the media. He looks to screw anyone who says anything bad about Israel. He never sleeps. I want him dead.

FM- You aren’t serious?

OS- One time he ventured outside his Jew bunker. I hit him with my car. He went back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. But then he got up, like some sort of Hebrew cyborg. It was the damnedest thing. If you read this Sal, your kosher ass is mine. Feel me?

FM- Yeah, um let’s switch gears and talk about your remarks on Hitler.

OS- I know what you are doing here and I am going to put a stop to it. Yes Hitler was a bad guy, but in the grand scheme of things much worse has come from Germany than Hitler. Have you heard German electronic techno music? Hitler is so 1938, but that music is killing people right now. And let’s not even discuss Kathy Griffin.

FM- Kathy Griffin?

OS- Yes Kathy Griffin, she’s worse than Hitler. At least Hitler forced those people into the ovens. Kathy Griffin makes me want to stick my head in an oven. And to think, she had to pay Levi Johnston to hang out with HER. What does that tell you about her and the Germans? And I will not even mention Hasselhoff.

FM- You are quite mad sir.

OS- I like orange marmalade.

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U.N. Elects Iran to Commission on Women’s Rights? Snarky 6, What Else Did They Do?

Posted on April 30th, 2010 by Fingers Malloy

In a move that only people in the U.N. and the Obama Administration could see as reasonable, the United Nations elected IRAN to a U.N. Commission on Women’s Rights. You can’t make this stuff up!

From FoxNews.com:

Without fanfare, the United Nations this week elected Iran to its Commission on the Status of Women, handing a four-year seat on the influential human rights body to a theocratic state in which stoning is enshrined in law and lashings are required for women judged “immodest.”

Just days after Iran abandoned a high-profile bid for a seat on the U.N. Human Rights Council, it began a covert campaign to claim a seat on the Commission on the Status of Women, which is “dedicated exclusively to gender equality and advancement of women,” according to its website.

Buried 2,000 words deep in a U.N. press release distributed Wednesday on the filling of “vacancies in subsidiary bodies,” was the stark announcement: Iran, along with representatives from 10 other nations, was “elected by acclamation,” meaning that no open vote was requested or required by any member states — including the United States.

MMM, can you smell the appeasement? But that’s a topic for another day. Today I would like to list the top 6 other appointments to various UN Commissions that make as much sense as marrying Iran to women’s rights.

  1. Kathy Griffin was elected to the U.N. Commission on Funny.
  2. Amy Winehouse was added to the U.N. Commission on How to not Look or Act Like a Crack Whore.
  3. KFC was named to the UN Commission on Making Sandwich Awesomeness.
  4. Kate Gosselin was elected Chairwoman to the U.N.’s: How To Not Make People Roll Their Eyes When They Hear Your Name… Commission.
  5. NBC was named to the U.N. Commission on How Not to F#$% Up Late Night Television.
  6. Speaking of NBC, Saturday Night Live sucks.(Yes. That’s number 6.)

H/T Kerrie Heretic

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Snark Factor Poll-Meh, Liberals

Posted on March 8th, 2010 by Fingers Malloy

Kathy Griffin went up to Alaska to make fun of Sarah Palin. We will be ripping Kathy a new one here soon, but until then I ask you:

* Adding Mitt Romney was my little joke. Meghan McCain is everyone’s litt…

Yeah she’s a joke too…

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President Obama Announces Plan for Afghanistan. No New Troops, He is Sending Lou Dobbs

Posted on November 12th, 2009 by Fingers Malloy

Stunning political pundits today, President Obama announced that he rejected all four plans submitted to him regarding raising troop levels in Afghanistan. The President then went on to make an announcement that shook the Pentagon to its core.

“This morning, I made a decision to not send more troops to Afghanistan, ” Obama said. “The plans that were submitted looked no different to me than the failed policies that were implemented under the Bush Administration. “

Then he dropped the bombshell.

“I knew that I needed to come up with a plan all by myself. Let’s face it, I am the most brilliant man to ever hold this office. It’s up to me. It’s Obama time!”

“So I am pleased to announce that in lieu of sending more troops to Afghanistan, I am sending Lou Dobbs. He will be armed with nothing but a pocket knife and a bottle of Dewar’s. The richness of Lou’s life experience working for a network that drove millions of viewers away, and his immense hatred of people illegally crossing borders will make him the perfect man to patrol the Pakistan-Afghani border.”

Dobbs resigned from CNN on Wednesday. Immediately, there was speculation that he would run for the Senate. I tried to contact a CNN spokesman for comment, but my emails were unanswered. However, I did talk to CNN’s Larry King, who had this to say about the shocking news;

” I want my Ovaltine,” King said. “Waco, Texas hello! Caller? Caller? Ehh, next week we have some fantastic guests. Joy Baher, Dustin Diamond and Kathy Griffin. Wow, what a week!”

Bold statement Larry……

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For CNN, Will There Be Life After Larry???

Posted on September 29th, 2009 by Fingers Malloy

Larry_King

 

There is a story in Monday’s New York Post speculating that CNN is trying to prepare for the possibility that Larry King may retire when his contract expires in 18 months. The prospect of King leaving his nightly talk show is quite real. The challenge for CNN is to find a replacement for Larry that will not alienate his loyal viewership of 114 people. After all, the new host needs viewers too.

The Post speculates on a few possible candidates that may replace King. Here is The Snark Factor’s analysis of each potential candidate.

Joy Behar- Liked by many liberals, mostly because she is ill-informed and lacks any analytical skills. She’s not very funny. Joy Behar is to comedy what Kathy Griffin is to comedy. The combination of her lack of talent and unwatchability (yes I made that word up) makes her a front-runner to replace King and a perfect fit at CNN.

Katie Couric- She’s still spunky. Couric has actually interviewed someone all by herself. Working for CBS, Katie has proven that she has no problem being affiliated with a network that resembles the Titanic. CNN should look long and hard at Ms.Couric.

Ryan Seacrest- Plain Yogurt. But does anyone do plain yogurt better than Ryan Seacrest? He is inoffensive. But he comes with a hefty price tag. Can CNN afford to pay Ryan Seacrest Seacrest money in the hope that he can continue CNN’s dominance over MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow and Billy Mays infomercials? Pass…

The challenge for CNN is to find someone that will bring the same energy and excitement to the job that Larry King has brought all these many years. There is only one individual that can bring the same kind of electricity to CNN as King, and that’s the corpse of Barry Goldwater….

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Liz Cheney is the New Frontrunner in 2012, Thanks to My Endorsement in the NY Times.

Posted on September 28th, 2009 by Fingers Malloy

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Today the political landscape changed in Washington DC. Many pundits on both sides of the political spectrum were shocked by Liz Cheney’s immediate spike in recent polls. Why the sudden love for Liz Cheney? It can be tracked to this quote in the NY Times.

“The future of the Cheney message,” added a conservative blogger who goes by the name of Fingers Malloy (a rare man in this crowd, and even rarer, one with a Mohawk). He also called her “one of the fresh faces of our movement.”

Reaction to the endorsement was swift. James Carville said;

“I can’t believe Malloy is in her camp. What does this do to other conservative candidates?  Well let’s just say they should give her the damn nomination right now.”*

Paul Begalla is worried about how this will change voter turnout in 2012.

“Clearly Fingers is the voice of his generation,” said Begalla. “ We thought President Obama was the voice of youth, clearly we were wrong.”*

Ann Coulter was shocked.

“I thought I was the woman that Malloy admired most. I don’t know what to believe in anymore.”*

The endorsement even rocked Hollywood. Speaking of the quote in the Times, Kathy Griffin said;

“I’m busy sucking the life out of America. Go find someone with less talent than me to speak with, if that’s possible.”*

There has been no reaction yet from Cheney’s camp. But word has spread that 2 cases of champagne was sent to her office, along with balloons and streamers.

 *Warning! Quotes may not be real… Malloy has a vivid imagination….

To read the entire article click here.

And a special thanks to Smart Girl Politics. It was their Smart Girl Summit that made all of this possible. You ladies rock!

Smart Girl Politics

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