Listen, I know there are other shitty songs out there.
However, I am a torpedo of truth when it comes to exposing the shittastic music of Train. But last week in a gas station (while buying a liter of Mt. Dew and 2 apple fritters), I was reminded of another song that needs to die. The song that was playing over the gas station’s speakers was Mr. Jones by Counting Crows.
I pose this question to you-Which song is worse: Hey, Soul Sister or Mr. Jones?
Now before I get comments about other shittastic songs, I know I could have included anything written by Jon Bon Jovi or some one hit wonder…but that’s too easy. The two songs in this poll are both examples of audio terrorism.
But, honorable mention goes to Plain White T’s for this…
Secret documents uncovered by Fingersmalloy.com have unveiled a plot concocted by Representative Nancy Pelosi to, under the guise of a budget cutting measure, merge Planned Parenthood with the Public Broadcasting Service (PBS).
The purpose of this maneuver would not only be to secure funding for both entities–but also to begin providing sex education for children as young as two.
When I contacted Rep. Pelosi’s office, her spokesperson, Iva Madetisup, did not deny the existence of a PP-PBS merger plan.
Both of these programs are not only important to women, but also critical for the survival of the United States. Neither family planning or sex education for toddlers can be left up to individuals. Government involvement is essential.
It’s a match made in heaven. Let’s take ‘Sesame Street’ for example. Instead of The Count counting bats, he can count condoms. Elmo can give breast exams. Oscar the Grouch can pass out morning after pills. This is a mach made in heaven…I mean if heaven were real. Yes I’m sane.
Count Condom
During a speech for Public Broadcasting employees at PBS headquarters last week, Vice President Joe Biden talked about the possible merger, and what it meant for PBS.
PBS is Americana. So is Planned Parenthood. This merger will insure that women’s reproductive rights are protected. It will also insure that young children will not only learn their 1-2-3′s and ABC’s–but also the birds and the bees.
I can only tell you that PBS would not be what it is today without Fred Rogers. And ‘Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood’ will be an essential part of this merger. I’m told Fred is here today. Fred stand up and let ‘em see ya.
He’s dead? Oh God love him. What am I talking about? Well I tell you what, Fred is making everyone else stand up. Stand up for Fred. This is a big f***ing deal!
Oscar the Grouchy Pharmacist
There has been talk that Mr. Hooper’s store will be converted into an organic foods store/abortion clinic. NewsReal will continue to cover this story as developments…develop.*
*Warning, documents obtained by Fingersmalloy.com may be fake, as well as everything else in this story.
Fingers hosts The Snark Factor Radio Program on FTR Radio. His website can be found at FingersMalloy.com. Follow Fingers on Twitter here.
Sunday night, ReelzChannel broadcast the two part finale of a controversial eight part miniseries entitled; The Kennedys. Many networks passed on the miniseries; including but not limited to the History Channel, Showtime, FX, Starz, Direct TV’s 101 Network, Bass Fishing Network, Dental Floss TV, Air America and NBC (you get the idea).
Critics of the show blame the script, making the case that the miniseries isn’t historically accurate. One of The Kennedys producers claims that networks passed on the project do to pressure put upon them by the Kennedy family. After watching the entire miniseries, my guess is that it was a combination of both.
However, I find the notion that The Kennedys is controversial somewhat laughable. Let’s make a list of some of the “characters” in the miniseries and see if we learn anything.
Tom Wilkinson as Joseph P. Kennedy, Sr.- Wilkinson played the role of the family patriarch nobly. I read someone tweet that his voice sounded a little bit like a Boston Hannibal Lecter, which is an accurate description. In the miniseries, Kennedy Senior is portrayed as an ultra rich, power thirsty S.O.B. that would do anything, and spend anything to get his boys to the top. Oh…and he liked to fool around on his wife. Is this news? Controversy? Not so much.
Greg Kinnear as President John F. Kennedy- Kinnear did a magnificent job bringing to life the 35th President of the United States. Kinnear’s President Kennedy, while seeming to care very much for his wife Jackie, also had his dad’s penchant for screwing around behind his wife’s back. What a shocking revelation! Jack Kennedy loved the ladies? The hell you say? Again, what controversy?
Katie Homes as Jackie Kennedy- So, The Kennedys would have you believe that Jackie was a classy lady that had to put up with a lot of heartache due to her husband’s wandering eye. Wow, this keeps getting more and more controversial. Have we not heard this story about the Kennedy family 100 times before? Controversy? Still waiting. And finally…
Barry Pepper as Robert F. Kennedy- Pepper portrays a man that is fiercely loyal to his brother Jack. He is also a highly intelligent, arrogant bastard that made many enemies inside and outside of Washington. Hmm… RFK was cutthroat and didn’t get Christmas cards from J. Edgar Hoover. Man all this new information is earth-shattering is it not?
So what did we learn? Jack and his dad loved the ladies, Bobby could be a jerk and Jackie was a class act. Oh, and apparently Jack and Bobby did not have a brother named Teddy. He was never mentioned in the entire series.
All in all we learned nothing. If the Kennedy family really tried to bury this series–thinking that they were going to keep some of these revelations a secret (like these are secrets), then they are completely delusional.
Was The Kennedys historically accurate? Probably not. But since when does that matter? Was Oliver Stone’sJFK or W. historically accurate? Why are these networks worried about the historical accuracy of a Kennedy movie?
The Kennedys is one part History Channel and one part Days of our Lives. If given the chance, the American people would have been able to figure that out.
With the television landscape cluttered with such shows as Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Real Housewives of 10 Different Cities, Cake Boss, Cupcake Boss, Lemon Meringue Pie Boss, America’s Worst/Best Restaurant, Jersey Shore, Paulie Shore, Dinah Shore, Amazing Race, Amazing Grace, Will and Grace, Live to Dance, Dance to Live, Secret Millionare and reruns of Alf- I have to ask one question:
Who in the hell is a television executive to tell anyone what reality is? That’s controversial…
Fingers hosts The Snark Factor Radio Program on FTR Radio. His website can be found at FingersMalloy.com. Follow Fingers on Twitter here.
“Ask Fingers” is a new advice column for Parcbench readers. Fingers Malloy has no experience as a relationship, financial or career counselor. In fact, we aren’t entirely sure that he has ever been married, owned stock or even gainfully employed. Fingers claims to have been a bartender in the 1990′s, which is good enough for us.
Dear Fingers: Jack Klugman- Oscar or Quincy? – Morticia626, President of the Jack Klugman fan club.
That’s a difficult question for me to answer. What information are you trying to obtain by asking such a question? Is this your version of Ginger vs. Mary Ann? That would be kind of weird, being that it’s the same person. And if that is the kind of answer you want from me, well I can’t help you.
However, what really concerns me is that you are still interested in Quincy. The show ended in 1983. Lots of things have happened since then Morticia; Facts of Life, Silver Spoons, Alf, Full House, Fraggle Rock, After M*A*S*H, The A-Team, Punky Brewster, MacGyver, Growing Pains, Falcon Crest, Mama’s Family, Doogie Howser, M.D., Bill Cosby’s PicturePages, Mork & Mindy, Night Court, The Fall Guy, Vegas, CHiPs, Alice, G.L.O.W., Teen Wolf, Press Your Luck, Who’s the Boss?, B.J. and the Bear, Family Ties, A Different World, The Greatest American Hero, Max Headroom, Webster, Matlock, Life Goes On, Taxi, Charlie’s Angels, Magnum P.I., Remote Control, Gimme a Break, V, Police Academy-The Animated Series, Murder She Wrote, 227, My Two Dads, Alien Nation, Amen, The Arsenio Hall Show, Highway to Heaven, Trapper John, M.D., Friday Night Videos, The Gong Show, It’s Garry Shandling’s Show, Fame, Hart to Hart, The Love Boat, St. Elsewhere, Hill Street Blues, Solid Gold, Puttin on The Hits, In the Heat of the Night, It’s a Living, Police Squad!, Barney Miller, Kate & Allie, Family Ness, Remington Steele, Empty Nest, The Rockford Files, Bosom Buddies (the only thing Tom Hanks has done that was any good), Fantasy Island, The Highwayman, The Ropers, Dear John, Designing Women, Not Necessarily the News, China Beach, Too Close for Comfort, Riptide, Jake and the Fatman, Coach, Eight is Enough, L.A. Law, Yo! MTV Raps, Hello Larry, Major Dad, Still the Beaver, Double Trouble, Murphy Brown, The Hitchhiker, Night Flight, Soap and T.J. Hooker.
Morticia, my advice is to move on. Forget about Jack Klugman and that Felix tramp stamp tattoo you have always wanted. Godspeed young lady.
Dear Fingers: If people who think that Obama isn’t a citizen are called “birthers” then what will the people be called who don’t believe that a President Donald Trump has real hair? Joe from Oregon
MeghanMcCain’s
Dear Fingers: How do you distinguish an “April Fool” from the other sorts? Tom in North Carolina
That’s easy, since most April Fool’s joke are lame there is an easy litmus test to notice the difference. If a person still thinks Rick Rolling is funny, he is an April fool…
Source for all those awesome 80′s tv shows was Retro Junk.
The White House today announced the suspension of all military operations in Libya effective immediately after it was discovered that the rebels fighting to oust Libyan leader Colonel Muammar Gaddafi are being fully funded by the conservative Koch Brothers. Over the years the billionaire Koch brothers have donated millions of dollars to right wing think tanks, and now they want to expand their reach to the Middle East.
From the beginning of the Libyan uprising, there have been questions as to who the rebels are–and who is supporting them. Many had speculated that the Muslim Brotherhood, Hezbollah or even Al Qaeda were backing the Libyan rebel forces.
But an internal rebel document uncovered by Media Matters contains detailed rebel plans for the eventual overthrow of the Gaddafi regime. After the regime change, they will form a new political party named:
Prosperity for
All the
LIbyan
Nation…or PALIN.
Once the State Department caught wind of the Koch brothers/PALIN connection, officials immediately made a 3:00 AM phone call to the White House. Nobody answered the phone.
Fortunately, the State Department was aware of an 8:00 AM tee time that President Obama had scheduled today at the Washington Golf and Country Club–where he was then briefed on the whole situation at the fifth tee by Vice President Biden, Joy Behar and Danny Bonaduce.
The White House later released a statement explaining why it was decided to end all military operations in Libya.
While we can all agree that Muammar Gaddafi has been a brutal dictator that has thrived on the murder and the suffering of his own people, he’s not as bad as the Koch brothers. We have uncovered plans by the Koch/PALIN alliance to bring the flat tax to Libya. They are also plotting to eliminate collective bargaining rights in Tripoli.
Let me be clear, we can not allow the gains that the Libyan people have made to be wiped out by risky free market schemes. So we will withdraw all of our forces and immediately turn over all military command and control decisions over to the French. That should end well.
After the news broke of the Koch Brothers’ influence in Libya, an exasperated Chris Matthews went on MSNBC and had this to say:
Is this what it has come down to? Look Gadhafi is no saint. He has murdered and tortured his own people. And yes there are many political prisoners in Libya–but at least he wants to provide his people health care. You think a Koch or PALIN cares about health care? Clearly we can now see that the Libyan uprising is not about freedom–and all about oil. Have we checked to see if Halliburton is in on this too?
NewsReal will continue to cover this story as developments…develop.
Fingers hosts The Snark Factor Radio Program on FTR Radio. His website can be found at FingersMalloy.com. Follow Fingers on Twitter here.
If you want to know more about illegal immigration and border security issues, Roger Hedgecock is your man. In an interview during the Wednesday edition of The Roger Hedgecock Show, Congressman Darrell Issa announced that his committee will investigate the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives over its alleged role in gun trafficking to the Mexican drug cartel.
Here is the entire interview, courtesy of The Roger Hedgecock Show.
“Ask Fingers” is a new advice column for Parcbench readers. Fingers Malloy has no experience as a relationship, financial or career counselor. In fact, we aren’t entirely sure that he has ever been married, owned stock or even gainfully employed. Fingers claims to have been a bartender in the 1990′s, which is good enough for us.
Dear Fingers: When I grow up I want to be like you, how do I make that happen?–Mark in Indianapolis
Mark that’s not an easy question for me to answer. How the hell do I know your social status? Are you a spaz? Do you get nervous around girls? Are you a nervous spaz around girls?
I want to help you, so I will assume that are a normal college kid. If you want to grow up like me, you will have to study hard in school (if you go to a community college, God help you).
So every day when you get home from school, drink up to 80 ounces of malt liquor. King Cobra was my brand. But don’t be afraid to mix in a little Olde English 800. Then you need to watch one movie over and over again…Porky’s.
Don’t let anyone talk you into watching Porky’s Two or Porky’s Three. The original Porky’s is the best of the Porky’s trilogy. Drinking gallons of malt liquor and viewing Porky’s 20 times a week made me the man that I am today. Good luck Mark.
Dear Fingers: As a Right Wing Extremist, what other accessories should I wear with my Jack Boots and BDU Pants besides my Charlie Sheen crack rock Machete?–Mike in Texas
Mike that’s not an easy question for me to answer. How the hell do I know if you can pull off a true right wing extremist look. If you are a Republican, I am assuming that you are white. The media says you are probably a racist–and being that you live in Texas I am guessing that they are right.
Have no fear Mike, we can get through this together. When in doubt, there is one right wing extremist that set the standard for us all. Buy yourself a tan jacket, a black turtleneck and Haggar slacks. Then you will truly look like the original American right wing extremist.
Rick Astley-- Possible Nazi Fascist*
Dear Fingers: Who put the bop in the bop sh’bop sh’bop?–Paul in Texas
She's holding a book
*Rick Astley is not a right wing extremist. He’s also not a Nazi, Fascist or relevant…
Submit your question for “Ask Fingers” by email (Fingers@parcbench.com).
“Ask Fingers” is a new advice column for Parcbench readers. Fingers Malloy has no experience as a relationship, financial or career counselor. In fact, we aren’t entirely sure that he has ever been married, owned stock or even gainfully employed. Fingers claims to have been a bartender in the 1990′s, which is good enough for us.
Dear Fingers: How can I get girls to like me?– John in New York
John, that’s not an easy question for me to answer. How in the hell do I know what you look like? For all I know, you have photos on Facebook of yourself in a Members Only jacket.
But you asked, so I will try to not let you down. Clean yourself up. Get a sporty new haircut. Go to Walmart and buy yourself some nice smelling aftershave (women really like Brut or Jovan).
Then go find a girl. As we all know, the best place to find a long lasting romance is in a strip club. After a few couch dances, turn on your charm and ask that special lady out on a date. Act desperate. Women love desperate, needy men.
Once you score that first date with Sinnamon, pester her for a second. Don’t let up –and don’t take no for an answer. Let this video be your inspiration. Good luck John.
Dear Fingers: Do you think I should move back to Wisconsin and run against a flee-bag Democrat State Senator?–Sean in DC
Sean, that’s not an easy question for me to answer. How the hell do I know if you are qualified for such a respected position? I think some self examination is necessary on your part to figure out if you have what it takes to be a Wisconsin State Senator. Here is a quick checklist:
Have you ever paid for sex?
Do you drink every night to the point of unconsciousness?
Have you ever paid for sex while drinking to the point of unconsciousness?
Can you be bought off?
When times get tough, do you run?
If you answer yes to all of these questions, you are well on your way to a fulfilling career in public service. Godspeed Sean.
Dear Fingers: What is Martinizing, and why does it only take an hour?–Beregond in North Carolina
Nobody knows sir…nobody knows.
Submit your question for “Ask Fingers” by email (Fingers@parcbench.com).
Imagine if you will, it was the best of days–it was the worst of days. A labor union is paying a man (who we will now refer to as Lefty) to protest a right wing extremist group…or something.
Lefty and several of his comrades are riding in a sweet Greyhound bus on the way to the protest. Sure his flask is already empty, but he still has half a pack of Kool menthol cigarettes and a full can of Red Bull. Lefty is riding high on a whiskey, tobacco and sugar buzz. He feels unstoppable.
Meanwhile on the other side of town, Tabitha Hale of FreedomWorks is just wrapping up her lunch hour Bible Study group. She looks out the window and sees an old lady, struggling to cross the street. Tabitha runs outside immediately to help the old spinster. How could she not? It is her way.
Little did Tabitha know that her selfless act helping Joy Behar cross the street would cost her dearly. Did Tabitha realize that she was about to lose part of her wide eyed innocence to the hands of a union thug? How could she?
How could she?
Meanwhile Lefty has arrived at the protest location. In his head, he can only hear the song “You’re the Best” by Joe Esposito from The Karate Kid Soundtrack. You remember the fight montage from The Karate Kid.
You’re the best…around
Nothing’s ever going to keep you down
You’re the best…around
Nothing’s ever going to keep you down
Suddenly Lefty sees a filthy capitalist pig in the courtyard. It’s some dude from FreedomWorks. With the upbeat tempo of Joe Esposito pulsing through his head–and a mix of cheap liquor and nicotine in his blood, Lefty is fired up. He’s mad as hell and he’s not going to take it anymore!
A loud argument commences.
Tabitha hears shouting. She quickly slips the homeless man she was comforting a fifty dollar bill and rushes to the scene. The blogger in Tabitha makes her pull out her iPhone to videotape the confrontation.
Lefty is screaming that his Che Guevara tramp stamp tattoo inspires his comrades to fight corporate fat cats. He turns and sees Tabitha holding her iPhone, recording every word.
That iPhone…manufactured in China.
That iPhone…made by a corporation.
Angry thoughts start swirling in Lefty’s head; Halliburton, China, corporate fat cats, You’re the best around, the Koch Brothers, Wisconsin, Fox News, Rush Limbaugh, FreedomWorks, You’re the best around, Americans for Prosperity, Walmart, RedEye w/Greg Gutfeld, the Teapot Dome Scandal, The Karate Kid, Boutros Boutros-Ghali, Ryan Seacrest, Happy Meals, SUV’s, Forrest Gump, Dick Cheney and Snookie.
Lefty snaps. Let’s go to the videotape.
Mainstream media reaction over this steel cage death match was fast and furious. Katie Couric began CBS Evening News with her thoughts on Tabithagate:
Today in Washington DC, a rabid right-wing Tea Party succubus attacked an elderly labor advocate during a peaceful demonstration outside the headquarters of FreedomWorks.
FreedomWorks, the radical right-wing hate group, has been a strong ally of the racist Tea Party movement. Ms. Hale attacked the elderly gentleman with her cell phone. Then in an attempt to break his spirit, she headbutted his handmade protest sign. I didn’t attempt to reach FreedomWorks for comment.
And there was this from CNN:
Tonight on an all new Piers Morgan Show, Tea Party violence breaks out again in the streets of DC. Will the National Guard need to step in? We discuss this–and ask if Sarah Palin is an idiot with guests Arianna Huffington, Bill Maher, Kathy Griffin, Joy Behar, Rob Reiner and the ghost of Ted Kennedy.
What can we take away from this incident? I will let you decide. Tabitha left the scene unscathed. But did America? Only time will tell.
Only time will tell…*
Fingers hosts The Snark Factor Radio Program on FTR Radio. His website can be found at FingersMalloy.com. Follow Fingers on Twitter here.
*Warning, dramatization. Certain events documented here may not have happened.
I have been following the developements in Madison over the past few days with dismay. I am very upset about the pure hate many consevatives have been spewing towards Wisconsen teachers protesting Governor Walkers union busting tactics. I take this personally because I am part of the Madison Wisconsen Sweet Valley High School graduating class of 1990.
I got a qualitie education in Madisen. The teachers were top notch. They cared about me 1st and there well being second. When my teacher called in sick I was pretty sure it was because she was sick. Almost all my teachers never carried a flask. And those that did told me that they had filled it with Yoo-Hoo.
As you know, certain moments you share with teachers in high school you remember for the wrest of you’re life. I remember my 9th grade history teacher, Mrs. Fauxcher. After about a month of hearing how America was discovered and eventually colonized by white devils, I had a question about Christopher Columbus.
Mrs. Fauxcher told me to grab a cucumber like my other classmates so she could show me how to properlie put on a condom. At the time I thought it was stupid, since all Madisen public school students learn how to put on a condom in the 2nd grade. But she was right about columbus and condoms. That allways stuck with me.
Fast forward 20 years later and Governer Walker is throwing around all sorts or ridiculous demands. He wants teachers to pay 6% of they’re pay towards there pensions and pay 12% of they’re health care benefits. Follow me on this because I know that numbers are confusing. That’s allmost 32% of they’re income. Why does Walker hate teachers. Is it because he only wants rich people to have money.
I will stay silent know more. I want my fellow Madisen Sweet Valley High alums to speak out to. I am specifically urging Dustin Diamond, Linda Lavin, Dana Plato, Snooki and Kathy Griffin to come out against Walkers attack on unions and public schools.
A public school education got me ware I am today. So I thank you Madisen teachers. God bless you all!
Fingers hosts The Snark Factor Radio Program on FTR Radio. His website can be found at FingersMalloy.com. Follow Fingers on Twitter here.
