More Shocking Revelations From WikiLeaks

WikiLeaks has struck again. Two days ago, the website released 250,000 US cables illegally obtained by Australian hippie hacker Julian Assange. The cables contained correspondence between U.S. diplomats that contained sensitive information.

Here are some juicy details about the WikiLeaks document dump from Yahoo News:

Allegations from the 250,000 cables include that Iran’s supreme leader has cancer and will die “within months” and that Saudi King Abdullah urged the US to attack Iran and “cut off the head of the snake” over its nuclear program.

The Snark Factor has gone over all 250,000 cables for you, our faithful readers. I personally have read 140,000 cables. During that time, I consumed 3 Five Hour Energy shots, 7 pots of coffee and enough crystal meth to kill four mules.

But it was worth it. I have uncovered new information from WikiLinks about secrets that the United States government has tried to hide for decades. Prepare to be shocked.

  1. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter was invented by the CIA as a mind control chemical agent to make Americans like Ryan Seacrest.
  2. Meghan McCain is a FemBot built by the National Organization for Women to make real blondes “look smarter” when compaired to the dim-witted McCain.
  3. President Barack Obama was briefly the lead singer of the left-wing, post-punk British rock group Scritti Politti.
  4. Joy Behar kidnapped the Lindbergh baby, dumped a fake baby body to fool police into thinking he was dead–and raised the boy as her own. She renamed the lad ”Rob Reiner.”
  5. George Soros secretly founded Halliburton Corporation with the help of Che Guevara and Don Knotts in 1957.
  6. Every bridge in the United States is secretly owned by Ross Perot and Ron Paul. Under every bridge you can find a pot of gold.
  7. Vice President Joe Biden is Snookie’s father. 
  8. Governor Sarah Palin wrote the song Who Let the Dogs Out?
  9. Kathy Griffin is a comedian.
  10. Nancy Grace can comfortably house a family of four in her nostrils.

 I will continue to read these documents until my head falls off…

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